As a trans person self-expression is deeply important to me. Feeling like I’m putting myself forth in the way that I want to present myself, feeling satisfied with what I see, it’s a huge thing for me, in ways that are both great and not so great. And fashion has always been my favourite way of expressing myself, one of the most consistent things in my life that make my creativity flourish, that feeds it. I actually have a little recent story that I think exemplifies this quite well. I’ve been spending most of the last couple of weeks or so at my mother’s house, and during the whole first week that I was here I wore her pyjamas. I didn’t bring clothes that were comfortable and that I could wear inside and in bed and so on, which was an odd thing for me to forget as now during the pandemic all we really do is stay inside, and so I had to borrow hers. The pyjamas were pink, bright pink, and they really felt like they weren’t mine. After a week or so I went back to the city with my mum cause she needed to do some things there and I spent a few days back in my flat and I was shocked at the relief I felt when I went back to wearing my own clothes. And they really weren’t fancy or anything, they were just the clothes that I choose to wear when I’m inside, but they had this magically revivifying effect on me, like a breeze. I hadn’t noticed it, but wearing clothes that I didn’t identify with for so many days straight really made me feel like something was off. My self-esteem dropped and I felt gross, disconnected, like I was displaced within myself. And then after those few days I went back to her house with her but this time I was intent on not wearing those pink pyjamas anymore. And I didn’t, and because of it I’ve been feeling so much more grounded, so much more connected to myself and my life and what it is and what I want it to be, which is essential for me to be able to keep my sanity during the current crisis we’re all in.
The dress that I chose for this is one of the pieces that I’ve been feeling the most myself in. Most of last year I was really intent on not wearing dresses, and then towards the end of it I started feeling the impulse to wear them again, but I didn’t have anything that still made me feel like myself. And so I was on the lookout for new ones for a while, and the most recent one I found was this one. I just love the shape of it and the colours and how it makes me feel alive, how it seems to force me to be present but in a stable way.
Research Collective for Decoloniality & Fashion 